“Guide us to discarded heights!” — Jay Critchley, IRS president

Is there logic to re-inventing the IRS (the Internal Revenue Service) as a post-Christmas, post-consumption environmental movement? As IRS President, I say yes! In 1983 at the Provincetown Dump, I created a forest from discarded Christmas trees—which I believed inspired the movie, Forrest Gump. An annual community ritual and tradition ensued, held each January 7th after the “Twelve Days of Stockpiling.” The mission: to re-root and reconnect us to the earth.

Each ceremony is a unique purging of political and personal distress from the previous year. Themes have included, followed by audience chant: Star Wars (sraW ratS) in 1986, Sports Futility Vehicles (stropS ytilituF selciheV) in 1999, and to Pistol Cliff (lotsiP ffilC) in 2013. Be prepared to sing, chant, and purge as you bask in the blustery Cape tip winter. The right of passage is a personal, political, spiritual, and humorous ceremony ending with the dramatic burning of a discarded Christmas tree in a makeshift boat at sunset in Provincetown Harbor.

The theme for 2015: Hands Up! We Can’t Breathe! !ehtaerB t’naC eW !pU sdnaH

Selected Ceremony text:

The Lord appeared to Moses in the form of a burning bush and gave him…

The Ten Commandments of Fish-less Thought Leaders

1. Asymmetric warfare is the Lord Thy God and thou shalt not have carbon-dense prayer farming apparently manspreading snarky textpectations;

CHANT AFTER EACH: !ehtaerB t’naC eW !pU sdnaH

1. Thou shalt not bashtag polar-vortexed homeless leveraging hackeried face-time inversions with rectal feeding;

2. Thou shalt not bestie anti-vaxxers branding delethalization of food sovereignty cray-craying as the charmed New Abnormals;

3. Thou shalt not keep holy the talking dead eavesdropping on the untraceable deported analytics lockdowned by neck-bearded denialists;

4. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother: Tar + Sands;

5. Thou shalt not kill wearable ephemeral content fraudstering pre-conflict separatists’ global reputation economy;

6. Thou shalt not commit throwback extinctions quarantined by misery-indexed trigger warning insolvent mergers fracking down on undergarmented broken windows;

7. Thou shalt not steal petro-states scientifically trafficking uber elephants consciously uncoupling trusticle draughts;

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against disinterestednessed pathogens ecosiding

uber-heroes’ dark moneyed enhanced interrogations;

1. Thou shalt not covet webward drone strikes life hacking the right-to-be-forgotten hoaxers bioengineering fish-less thought leaders.